January

January 1

Little does not mean less

    Just because I play with Legos

    Doesn't make me inferior

I don't like quinoa, like, at all

But you shouldn't hate me for it

    Almost slip on the floor,

    Running to give people love

My size doesn't diminish me

January 2

I've never actually considered suicide

Maybe I thought about thinking about it

But that's hardly the same

Usually it's guilt that stops me

Putting people through grief

I guess you don't feel guilt once

    you're dead

Call it selfish, call it greedy

As long as it stops me,

    I'm okay with it

I wish people couldn't have

    thoughts like these

I don't know how to stop anyone

    from having

    thoughts like these

But I'll try

January 3

Peanut-encrusted vanity upon your head

That line doesn't make any sense

Stop trying to be deep, idiot

What about "emerald orb of cashews"

That's worse

Go to sleep

January 4

Repetition is key

Building an idea family

There's no place I'd rather be

Pressure crushes the lonely

No diamonds

Only a shattered child

Who tried too much

January 5

Even an idea, filled with longing

Blank invitations plastered on my eyelids

A situational status quo

Conjuring fire just to melt it

I try to feel without inhibitions

But all I see is the reflection of your face

January 6

Force the dog onto the ceiling

But it makes me happy?

Covered in leaves of static

But it makes me laugh?

Lusting after the ability to speak

But I just want to?

Swallow the pill,

        and move on

January 7

A cat sits in my lap, purring affectionately

Pure, loving trust

Based on food and scratches behind the ears

So little expected

Yet so much is given in return

January 8

Is it selfish

        To want love?

To be entitled

        To any affection?

For there to be an end

        To ceaseless loneliness?

    Probably.

January 9

"Try, try again" is supposed to be encouraging

Maybe failure happened for a reason

A second attempt equally doomed

Maybe just let it die instead

Wouldn't that be better?

Relief by way of loss

The uncompromising grasp of the end

January 10

Trapped in a bubble

But surrounded by heartbeats

Clawing fervently through the mist

Journey for a single rhythm

There are countless others

But only one that matters

Alone, surrounded

I want to hear you

January 11

The epitome of selfishness

Jealous of your beautiful happiness

Unrelenting desire to be a part

But if you're better without me

How can I be angry at honesty?

January 12

Vision crafted by emotion

Not seeing what is, but who is

The world's worst filter,

The easiest one to apply

Place your brain beneath your heel

        And press

        And press

        And press

Until you feel perspective's richochet

Oldness crumbling

Something cresting far away

January 13

I want to make you hurt less

But you don't seem to need it

That's fine I guess

A blurry smear across your chest

Flickering triumphantly in shadows

Too much to be for the best

We try flying from the bird's nest

Broken wings careening from heaven

I let go so you can soar to rest

January 14

Bask in the respite of failure

And then get up

Engage with restfulness

But not forever

January 15

Organized and poised to confess

What I think is fact

But I don't get to determine its truth

I have elected to surrender that ability

Maybe it's supposed to be noble

Giving it up increases the chances of reality

It's more like inverted Russian roulette

Nothing I can do about it

January 16

There is something pure and special about

  being the first to do anything

Whether it is revolutionizing humanity

  by setting foot in the heavens

Or merely breaking the crystalline haunt

  that is fresh snow

An encounter with wonder that

  clasps your beating heart

Disappearing as soon as you

  wrap your mind about it

January 17

I can count on one hand the number

  of times we've interacted in a month

If that's what's best for you, I'm fine

But you need to let me know.

Please.

January 18

It would have been better to be silent

The discrepancy of memory could have been avoided

How selfish could I possibly be

It caused a fundamental shift that can't be undone

A sudden leap into sudden clarity

If you never saw me again, that would be better

I'll go into your mind and burn all the memories

The guilt I've caused will vanish into ashes

The fear I've built will finally be gone

I beg you to leave me in the dust behind you

I'm sure I'll be happier here without you

That's a lie

But as long as you're happier in the distance

Then I can design a certain kind of peace

And exit this reality, apart and forever

January 19

Aren't you supposed to protect things you love?

Instead of forcing them underwater

Until they scream an answer

I wish we could trade places

Where I'm drowning instead

Take your love like a stake

Or just run

I can't come in unless you let me

And you never will

January 20

You are the match flicked at my wicked facade

Illuminating the corner where I let myself live

A crumpled ball of optimism I try to swallow

The lump in my throat fights back

Blame ricochets around a room of clay

Never will I let it hit anyone but me

Muddled dents where I have flung myself

Trying to make you love me

Apparently space will make it better

But space isn't a distance, it's a state of being

The holiness of being set apart

January 21

Betrayed by what you give the most weight

I should probably be dead, by any rate

Pour out a glass filled only with ahte

And I drink it without a thought

A blanket of unworthiness draped over me

Chained by the refusal to let myself free

Are you offended by what I want to be?

I love you too much for the answer to be yes

Let me float away

Let me fly away

Into unknown space

Without anyone but you

January 22

Your face is scarred on my eyes

I'll keep them closed to hide the lies

The pain of covering that I am not fine

Battle the honesty until it all dies

Christmas lights in January

Dimly illuminating my unfortunately

Still-beating heart

Gambling on how much I'll disappoint

My love can't be contained by these crumbling joints

The stars in my eyes managed to exploit

Ramshackle planets, pushing the breaking point

Christmas lights in January

Brilliantly exposing your blessedly

Still-pulsing soul

January 23

A stubborn child burning the bridges he loves most

Sit down to watch it all sink away

Claiming vicarious greed like a boast

Pray to God you'll never see me another day

Furious at what I seem to misunderstand

How shitty can hating someone's joy be?

If it was you, I'd find it beautiful

Carelessly drag my hypocrisy from my mouth

January 24

I am terrified of the fullness of love

How finite is it? When will it return?

    Will anyone be next?

I am cheating myself by wanting to move on

Won't it be better? Help us heal?

    Who could ever be next?

I am kidding myself into it

Would it sting? Could you be happy?

    No one could ever be next

January 25

I won't let myself stop loving you

Even when I'm digging my own grave

Do you believe anyone is meant for you?

Muttering quiet words of desperation to myself

Perceive interest as temptation

If only it were even real

Engaged to my self-reprobation

January 26

Vines full of berries

Just out of reach

I don't want the fruit

The embrace of my neck

Refusing to gasp

January 27

I will take my ramshackle fists

And fight with belief

Unbound by a happy ending

I will dance with anxiety

Let your love be silenced

And rattle the cage of heaven

Grapple with spatial politics

I will embrace the quiet

January 28

It is snowing

A gift we perceive with anger

This tiny downpour of love

Yell at the night because it's all

You can do (everything)

Unleash a cavalcade of eclipses

Every moment, ask the sky

"Am I giving enough?"

"Am I loving enough?"

I pray that it will reply

With any unyielding affirmation

I know that it won't

Still I cling to the hope

That it will

January 29

A weak and witless emperor

Is told to reclaim his landscape

Of nothingness

What if it was ceded willingly?

A tour of a countryside

Crafted from reminders

The potential mounment

That only existed in dreams

January 30

Creativity is first to the guillotine

And we allow for the lever to be pulled

Even bury the corpse

Burn the print and pencils

Along with half of your desires

Eat the ashes to get childhood nutrients

Choke, choke, choke

Like you wanted

January 31

Sitting across the inconsequential room

Hoping that you ignore me

A string of lights around my head

Projecting where I want to be

Ripple of fear over a dead body

Jealous that they're free